I have had a rough few days.
A challenging conversation I experienced a few weeks ago was still hanging around in my space.
It was quite painful and confusing to face at the time, although I tried to take it as a bit of a learning opportunity and move on.
It turned out I hadn't really moved on at all.
I still felt quite a bit of anger and confusion at the person but I didn't really want to say anything to them. The person hadn't really done anything wrong. They had expressed an opinion different to mine and I had felt icky inside and like I wanted to speak up...but I didn't.
I went to bed last night stressing about it and I had a nightmare, seemingly unrelated, and I woke up with a burst blood vessel in my eye. Again, seemingly unrelated.
I'm pretty sure these days that nothing is really that unrelated
It was time to face this doozy...pushing it down wasn't helping me at all.
I decided I would write a letter to the person but I wouldn't send it. I would use the letter to get all of my feelings out and hopefully find some clarity.
No, I'm not going to post the letter on my blog :-p
About half way through I was furious. I had so much anger and hurt. I needed to do more than write.
I needed to do something physical.
It was ninja time.
I karate chopped and ninja kicked and punched the air until I started crying.
I could feel that stuck emotions releasing. I knew if I kept at it I would come out the other side. In a couple more minutes, I did. I felt better. I took deep breathes. And I wrote a little more. I needed to ground myself so I rugged my daughter up and we headed to the beach, in dire need of fresh sea air and renewing energy.
It was a lovely anecdote. We walked on the jetty. We cuddled and kissed. We laughed. I took some photos while she practiced her stair climbing. I watched and listened to the waves and it was like they washed away the last fragments of my anger and confusion.
And then I was exhausted.
I hoped on the drive home that my daughter nod off. I knew I didn't have the energy to battle a defiant two year old if she didn't want a nap.
A minute away from our home, she was asleep. I carried her into bed and I napped for an hour as well.
I woke up feeling loads better. I feel like I've kinda moved on from anger and confusion to a kind of sadness which still feels like progress.
Self care is so important.
Don't push stuff down.
Make time to express your emotions.
Let them out.
Take time out for you, however you can get it.
Sometimes it takes a bit of creativity, I know!
Here's a pic of me and my little girl. I have a tear stained face and my bashed up eye and she is shining bright like the beautiful star she is.
We all shined that bright once too.
Don't put your light out for anyone.